An Empty Heart....

Sure, I've been hurt before; even had my heart broken, but never have I felt like this in my life.

When you've waited your whole life to meet your prince charming, and to start your own family, then to hear those horrible words "I'm sorry, but you'll never be able to have kids." Then get so excited that there are selfless women out there that choose to give the gift of life in order for women like myself to get pregnant, and be so close to being able to bring home your miracle baby in just a few days to be told, "I'm sorry, this isn't working, we are sending you home." Your heart stops, you have a huge lump in your throat, and you don't know how you are going to get up out of the hospital bed once the IV is removed and walk past the nursery without just breaking down.

My heart felt so empty. I felt so alone, and it killed me to see Mike as upset as he was. It's my job to stay strong for my husband, but how do you put one foot in front of the other when you don't have the security blanket of the fetal heart rate monitor to put your mind at ease when you don't feel your child move, or that nurse call button for them to be in your room within moments when you are in excruciating pain, or a doctor just down the hallway ready to ease your fears when the heart rate continues to rise, and the nurses have you turning from side to side to try and calm the heart rate. Nothing works, so they have to rush cold bolus' of IV fluids in you to try and get the heart rate to a comforting level. Sure, I'm still two weeks away from being 40 weeks pregnant, but when you've held your breath for 9 months wondering if everything is ok with your child, and dreaded going to an ultrasound only to think you won't hear a heart beat, or been on your hands and knees in excruciating pain screaming for some relief. 24 hours seems like an eternity, let alone 2 weeks.

We had scheduled our amniocentesis for Monday, August 13th with Dr. Hodor to ensure Alexandra's lungs were fully developed. We got the results early Tuesday morning, and we were good to go for our Tuesday evening induction.

Tuesday was here, Dana was headed to the house to take care of Diesel, we hopped in the car headed down the road and at exactly 6pm we called the hospital from the car to make sure they had a bed for us. They said all the rooms were full, and to call back at 8pm. Well, I didn't want to drive all the way home since we were already near the hospital, so I told Mike we would go to dinner, (Taco Bell, yup, the final supper!) hang close to the hospital, and try back at 7pm. We called at 7pm from the hospital parking lot, and they said still no luck, try back between 8 and 8:30. So Mike pulled out of the parking lot and headed home as I called to let Dana know we were on our way back to the house.

We hung out at the house, had some freeze pops, and watched the Yankees play the Rangers. I called at 8, and they said they were anticipating some deliveries, and they were pretty sure if we called back at 9pm they would have a better understanding of what time they'd have a room for me. At this point all Mike could do was laugh. The nurse asked how long we were willing to stay up for. I asked her if we were the only induction this evening, and she said yes. I asked her if anyone was headed back soon for a c section, and she said no. I told her thank you, and we'd call back close to 9pm. Mike said at this point we should just call tomorrow morning, and start the process in the am. I said well at least tonight we are the only induction scheduled, whereas tomorrow morning, I knew of at least one other induction, so I didn't want to be second in line. I told Mike I was hopeful that the next time we called back, we'd be good to go. It allowed me some time to nest, yet again, and hopefully send myself into labor so they'd have to find us a room. I was thrilled to get one last shower in before having to head to the hospital, and boy did it feel good. At 8:59pm I was done washing my face. I called labor and delivery, and they said they would have a bed ready for us between 10:30 and 11. So I texted Dana, and told her if she came back around 9:50pm to be with D, we were going to leave for the hospital around 10:00pm. She said that would be perfect. So, at 9:50, Dana came to spend the night with D, and we hopped in the car at 9:55.

We got to the hospital at around 10:10, and had to go through the emergency room entrance because it was after hours. The security officer noticed the pillows in our arms, and asked if we were here for a sleep study or to have a baby. I know I look good, but hell-o, do you see the belly? We told him we were being induced, and the nurses told us to arrive between 10:30 and 11. He called back to labor and delivery, and then grabbed me a wheelchair and a nurse to take us back.

We got all the way back to the nurses station in labor and delivery, and Nancy began asking questions about my pain, and about possible shingles. We had told them they ruled out shingles, and I don't have any sort of rash. My diagnosis was costochondritis. She said, do you hear that ladies, she doesn't have shingles :) I guess they take certain precautions if it's shingles.

Nancy asked if I could walk and I told her yes, so I got up and headed to the scale. 67.7lbs, wahoo! Just kidding, it was 148 pounds, 67.7 kilograms. Then we walked back to the room, I changed into the infamous hospital gown, and gave a urine sample. In walked Dr. Lee, about 20 minutes after we had arrived, and he said I was a fingertip dilated, and 80% effaced, and the baby's head was stationed at -1. He said he was going to start with a half a pill of cytotec and then I'd get a quarter pill in the morning, just 6 hours later, and then we'd be starting the pitocin. So that was our game plan, and I was ready to go.

Next step, IV, bloodwork, and questions out the wazoo from the nurse. At this time it was 11pm, and waaaay past our bedtime, but I was wide awake. Nancy sat down, and asked which side I'd prefer the IV in. I told her my right arm would be best. She began chatting with us, and said we had just gotten to the hospital in the nick of time, as they just got several more patients in. Phew! Thank goodness we didnt wait until 11 to get there, but I don't think Mike would have waited a minute longer.

Nancy wheeled over in her chair, got all set up, and tried to insert the needle in the top of my right hand. She had said, oh man, I was worried about that, do you see where the veins branch off? She had continued to wiggle the needle around in my hand to see if this spot would work, but I was certain it wasn't happening. She asked how it felt, and I said extremely uncomfortable. She said she'd leave it in just for a minute to take the blood from this injection site, but she'd try again with another vein to make it somewhat comfortable for the next few days it would be in my arm. She took all the blood she needed, and took the needle out. Within moments the gauze pad she placed on my hand was covered with blood. (Sorry pops, I know you are a fan of hospitals :) NOT!) I asked her if I should put my hand over my head, and she said no, this pressure is best. Alright Nancy, apparently you know best. She finally was able to get the bleeding to stop, got another gauze pad to put over it with a smidge of tape to keep the bleeding to a minimum, and then got another needle for round two. She said she would try to find another spot on my right arm since that's what I preferred and recommended. My veins were looking awesome! How could they not be with as hydrated as Mike has me, at a minimum 8 glasses of water a day! So she looked around, and found another good vein to work with. Weird spot, but she said her specialty was inserting IV needles. I chuckled when I noticed it was directly on my wrist, right above my radius. Ouch! Really? Expert? I think not! You could see her wiggling the needle under my skin, directly above my bone. Nancy hun, you're two for two...not your night. How is this going to be comfortable the next few days with an inch needle resting directly on my bone? So, she called another nurse in to have her give it a whirl. I told her let's try my left arm. I've got awesome veins, I'm not sure why this isn't working. Low and behold, the second nurse tried it higher up on the top of my left arm, and she got it on the first try! Wahoo! 11:23, and we've got the IV in! Perfect. How was the rest of my stay going to go? Well, I'm glad you asked ;)

At 11:53pm I had my first cry. At this point they had hooked me up to the monitors. One was tracking her heart rate, and the other was tracking my contractions. Her heart rate was out of wack. They decided before starting any induction agents, they needed to get her heart rate to a manageable rate. They started by having me lay on my side to try and get it back down. So, on my side I went. Not the most comfortable position over the last 6 weeks, but a mom is gonna do anything for her little ladybug :) So, as I was laying on my side, they also decided they needed to rush IV fluids through me to see if maybe I was dehydrated. Wow, never in my life have I seen an IV bag empty so fast. I decided to hit the nurse call button as my arm was freezing. They said it was fine, but they would get me a warm sheet to place on my arm, but they really wanted to get these fluids in me as fast as possible. So, I lay there with the bag of fluids rushing through me, and continued the check in process with Nancy. Quite overwhelming and she asked questions out the wazoo! I'm not sure if my first cry was from exhaustion, nerves, worry, or excitement. I wanted to get our little lady bug home to us safe and sound, and her heart rate being out of wack concerned me. But, we were about to get the show on the road, so I should be ecstatic! (Or so I thought)

Finally, at 12:18am, I had the first bag of IV fluids in and complete, the heart rate calmed down, and I had taken my first cytotec dose (just a half a pill)...we had finally started the induction process! Thank goodness! That night, Mike was able to get about 3 to 4 hours of sleep, but me on the other hand only got about 30 minutes. The nurse kept coming into check vitals every hour, and I just had too much on my mind. Of course, we were having a baby! 6:32am rolled around and I was given my second dose of cytotec...just a quarter of a pill this time.

Dr. Lee and the nurse had come up with the game plan for the rest of the day. After my second dose of cytotec, I was able to get a shower in! Boy did that feel good, even though it was at the hospital. After the shower, they were going to start the pitocin IV. Yeah baby, let's get this show on the road! At 10:30am, they had officially started the pitocin. The nurse had come in every half an hour to increase the dosage...11:15am, then again at 11:42. At this point the contractions were definitely being felt, but not painful at all. So this is what braxton hicks feels like! These contractions were probably about 4 minutes apart at this point. At 12:20pm, they increased the dose yet again, and I was starting to have to breathe through the contractions at this point. Maybe only a 3 on a scale of 1-10, although, my rib pain was definitely increasing with this dosage. The pitocin was really starting to make me uncomfortable, especially having to be on my side because of Alex's heart rate. Sheesh, my rib pain along with the contractions, definitely not fun. The nurse came in again at 12:59pm and allowed me to lay on my back to get some temporary relief.

She increased it again at 1:30pm. At this point I wasn't feeling strong contractions, but I definitely knew they were there. I had another meltdown at 1:46pm wondering if I was going to be able to get any relief from this rib pain. The anesthesiologist wasn't sure if the epidural would be able to relieve the pain because it was so high. He mentioned he could try to put the needle a little bit higher on my back, but he couldn't promise it would relive the pain at all while contractions were coming, and again during push time. I was starting to wonder if I'd be able to make it through a vaginal delivery, and started to question myself.

Dr. Lee had come in to talk to us, and mentioned that the pitocin wasn't doing anything. He said he was going to talk to Dr. Tufau about his game plan...take me off the pitocin, allow me to walk around for a bit, and eat a light dinner.

At 4:45pm I was taken off the pitocin as they weren't seeing any progress, and I was already up to a 12 as far as dosage. At 5pm I was taken off the monitors, and at 5:15 I was able to get up and walk around. Any minute now, Dr. Lee would be off, and Dr. Tufau would be coming in for the next 24 hours. Thank goodness! Not a fan of Dr. Lee AT ALL!At 6pm I ate a roast beef and turkey sandwich on rye. Man was that a bit different then Italian Ice and Jell-O! Dr. Tufau finally came in and talked to us. She asked if I enjoyed my walk, and asked if I was able to eat a little something. We told her yes. She informed us of her plan, and said that she would insert the cervadil in a bit. It was a 12 hour induction agent, and she would see how it went from there. Mike and I decided to walk around a little bit more, and we took a short stroll at 6:45pm . I had another meltdown when I saw a couple pick up their newborn from the nursery. At 8:08pm Dr. Tufau finally came in to insert the cervadil in-between c sections. At the same time she inserted the cervadil, she had decided that I was 1cm dilated. Hardly any improvement, but at least it was better then a fingertip dialated. At about 9ish, the nurses decided to start me on IV fluids again since her heart rate was constantly in the 180's.

Hardly any sleep gotton again with the nurse in the room constantly. At 6am, the nurses were able to stop IV fluids, and her heart rate remained calm. At 8:10am the cervadil was removed, and we were waiting for Dr. Tufau to come in and talk to us.

Dr. Tufau finally came in to talk to us, and she told us she thought it was a good idea to head home, get some rest in our own beds, and come back on Saturday and try this all over again. Meltdown #....who the heck knows, the tears were constant throughout this labor! Mike said we aren't going home, we are having this baby today no matter what, even if it means a c-section. Dr. Tufau said c-sections are only for emergencies, and this wasn't an emergency. I said that I was really concerned since her heart rate has been a problem since I've been on the monitors, and I was afraid something was going to happen at home and I wasn't going to know since I didn't have the comfort of the monitors, nurses, and doctors. Dr. Tufau said that she would let us talk, and go from there. Immediately Mike called Dr. Hodor's office, and said it was an emergency. Dr. Hodor said he wouldn't leave the hospital without Alex in our arms, but that's just him. Mike was absolutely furious with Dr. Tufau! (To be continued...)

10:35 discharged